Tortured by Twilight

You know it's bad when the parodies are better than the movie. I loved the books. I read the first two in a weekend and would have read the third one but I had to run to the store to get it and I did not want to put the first two down until I was done and then it was too late to make it to the store. When Breaking Dawn came out, I read it in about 8 hours. Get it? I am a fan of the books. One of those weird mom types who loved it. So go ahead. Bash away.

It was romantic and slightly edgy and had sex in it without really having sex in it. Let's face it, Bella was one horny girl. They were great fun to read. My sister-in-law asked me once which I liked better, the Harry Potter series or the Twilight series. If I HAD to pick, I would say Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling created a whole new world with its own landscape and rules and different kinds of creatures. I so want to believe that Harry Potter is still out there becoming a great wizard and that his story is not finished yet. Rowling is such a diva though. Sigh. Twilight is a love story. Love stories are great. Girl meets boy. Boy meets girl. They fall in love, then tragedy or separation or something happens. They overcome obstacles, even great lapses in time, and then they are together. Edward and Bella have nothing on Jane Eyre and Rochester, Darcy and Lizzy.

I wanted so much to like the movie but, alas, was screwed. First of all, the author sold the rights to a second rate studio. What was she thinking? Meyers should have held out for a better studio, infinitely better director, better script. You also know you are trouble when the author is too helpful in the making of the movie. They should have thrown her ass off that set.

I bought the movie last night on DVD. Spent $17 hard earned dollars on it. Now I could really figure out if I liked it or not. There are many movies I have learned to love after seeing it more than once--"Love Actually" leaps to mind. But now I know this is a terrible movie, right up there with every bad B movie I have ever seen.

Not to pick on people with Parkinson's or anything, but does Kristen Stewart have a tremor or something? I wanted to squeeze her frickin' head and keep it still. In the book, Bella is a klutz, not a damn weenie so scared she is shaking in her boots and quivering all over. And Edward. Jeez, the scene where he gets a whiff of her in the classroom for the first time. Cut. Take two. Get it right for god's sake. He looks like he wants to barf like he has just smelled something atrocious the cat dragged in. An underlying theme running through the book is how attracted they are to each other, not repelled. Her scent should be so intoxicating he can think of nothing else but getting some of that. And he is not so supposed to be a weenie either. I wanted to squeeze his damn head between my hands and tell him to stop ducking his chin like he was preparing for a blow.

The rest of the characters were for the most part B movie quality. Jasper looks like a wide-eyed puppet character. If someone said 'Boo', I think he might have shit his pants. Rosalie and Emmett? Yikes.

I give this movie half a star. I mean I did like Charlie and Jacob.