Sunday, April 18, 2010

G'ma Fail



I am the oldest of five...with three younger brothers. You would think I would know how to rough house with the best of them. But, apparently, I don't.

When I was young watching my brothers "play" together, I thought they were the biggest dopes. They would roll around the floor hollering and carrying on like they were taking each others head off. Strangling, screaming, yelling, punching. Yeah, I thought they were a strange species of human being that my poor mother was inflicted with and was too nice to send them back. They would fight and play and then...inevitably...one would get hurt. Like, duh. But what I thought was unbelievably moronic was they would go running to mom to seek retribution. 

Even back then I thought to myself, if they were my kids, I would have hit their heads together to render them unconscious. Did they really think my mom was stupid? Like she hadn't just been listening to their mayhem and nonsense and no way was she picking a side? She would yell at both of them and they would sniffle and get bent out of shape at the total unfairness of moms...and then go back to playing. 

I truly thought boys were the most irrational things in the world for years. 

Now, it is coming back to haunt me. I babysat my grandson today, two year old Z, and I realize being a girl is definitely a strike against me. His dad is one of seven...five of them boys, so little Z has tons of uncles who love to play rough. And my ex totally is the love of his life. Papa has a hangar for his plane and I guess he takes Z there and they run around and play like crazy.  I always used to call it the play house for big boys. 

We walked to the park. Well, he got spooked by some girls and made me carry him and push his little car at the same time. Man, those mom muscles are atrophied. He ran up the steps, hung from the top of the slide, and I thought he was going to pitch himself off the top. I was having a coronary. Do you stay at the bottom to catch him? Do you stay on the top to stop them? Do you have any idea how long it has been since I went down a slide? I am positive I have slide burn. 

But I was boring...so he marched off to his little car and proceeded to push it all over the neighborhood. Did you know two year olds will throw themselves to the sidewalk just to check out what's underneath a car? He had to point to every tire we went by and tell me to "Look at dat." 

We made it to his house, I made him lunch, he pretended to eat it. Then a smell started to waft around me. A stench of suspicious origin. Uh oh. I should probably tell you that the older I get the worse my gag reflex gets and, oh no, it was starting to kick in. 

"Z, I need to change your diaper." 

He ran away and hid in the living room. I finally managed to corral him and pretended he was a rocket and he let me carry him into the family room but he was not all that pleased with me. 

Until I started to change his diaper. 

Oh my, he was belly laughing. I thought for sure he was going to pee in my face he was laughing so hard. Why? Because G'ma was gagging and coughing and her eyes were running. He thought that was absolutely the funniest thing ever. And that's when it hit me....


Oh my god, he has been taken over by an alien species.

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24 comments:

Coffeypot said...

That's why boys don't like girls. Y'all are sissy and don't know how to have fun. You don't even wrestle on the floor until you are in your teens.

Simply Suthern said...

I have been helping coach 8 and under girls in softball. They are so much different than boys. Their little brothers are in the dirt rolling around in the field stomping and making dust clouds. The girls wont kneal down and get their knees dirty. Nothing grosses the boys out. Good Luck.

Funny in My Mind said...

I am the oldest of 5 and 4 were girls. Oh, girls fight ugly! "you took my shirt" "you ate all the good cereal" and the names we called each other! No wonder my mom was nutty! They still fight and they are in their 30's

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Funny...Excellent difference~! Girls can be mean and get mad over the dumbest stuff. At least when I punched my brothers, the fight was over, but girls can hold a grudge forever~! Glad to know another "oldest." Can you still hear your mom saying, "You're the oldest, you should know better?"

Red Writer said...

You are not boring! His time with you is just different. Besides, you made him laugh, didn't you?

Sounds like you had a great time!

adrienzgirl said...

I have a major issue with the gagging and poopy diapers. I can't deal sometimes. BDC thinks it is funny as hell. Tells the baby, it's ok, Momma is a whimp, Daddy will make you all better. *rolls eyes*

Chantel said...

LMAO! Oh my, memories!! My boys are 9 & 10 now (step son is also 9) and they ARE such physical maniacs! lol Loud, crazy, hap- hazard, "Get off the garage roof!" and "NO you may not launch your bigwheel over the fence with your brother on it even if he wants to!"

Long live worms, boogers, and boys...they wreck the house, but are SO uncomplicated!

Smooches G-ma!

savannah said...

i have a grandDOG, sugar! *sigh* but that aside, being the mother of 3 sons (now grown) and 1 daughter (also grown) the boys where and are so much easier! BUT, i wouldn't trade my girl for anything in the world! xoxoxo

ethelmaepotter! said...

I was also the oldest of five, but it was four girls, and my brother stuck right in the middle. I'm ashamed to say we were merciless on him.

I guess it's good though, that they grow up roughhousing and doing all kinds of icky stuff - if they didn't they wouldn't grown up to all the stuff that WE don't want to do - like kill spiders and crawl up under the house to fix a leak.

Good luck with that gag reflex, coz you've probably got a few more poopy diapers in your future!

Phoenix said...

Good lord, you don't get a break from poopy diapers after becoming a grandmother? Then what's the point?! I thought all you had to do was give them candy and stuff...

And boys don't dare wrestle with girls because girls can fight D-I-R-T-Y. Not just poopy diaper dirty.

mac said...

I love rough housing with boys. I'm like a five year old every time I start playing around.
The only problem is, I'm not five, or even 18, or 30. I can't just dive and roll anymor without really feeling it the next day

But, I'll do it again, everytime :-)

Red Writer said...

I agree with Phoenix. Very dirty! I used to "accidently" nail my brother in the nags whenever I started loosing in whatever game we were playing. Oops, sorry I'd say as he would be rolling on the floor dying.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I have two nephews and they are complete maniacs. The older they get the less time I can spend with them. They NEVER stop fighting.

@eloh said...

My niece used to vomit at the sight of my son's dirty diapers... but when I'd tell her I had something to show her... she fell for it every time.

Somehow, she grew up and had five kids... no vomiting.

matron said...

Diapers are no bother to this grandma,squashed spiders and fly's are my pet hate.Why do boys find creepy crawlies so much fun.My brother used to drop them down my blouse or in my hair.
Nature walks with my grandson,when he was younger,was always to look for bugs,thank heavens he grew up.

Candice said...

My daughter (wilting flower she ain't) and my son play like that and it can get annoying.

It's always fun and games until someone gets poked in the eye with a toe or something ridiculous like that.

Jai Joshi said...

Haha, when I was younger I used to think boys were the alien species.

Jai

Tgoette said...

Luckily for me I ended up with one of each and there wasn't any rough-housing to speak of. But being one of 5 boys in my family, I can totally relate. Noogies, anyone?

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Well, Coffeypot, hopefully blogger will not eat this comment. I do like to wrestle now that's true. See, the fact that you consider all that horsing around fun, well, I guess you're about why boys don't like girls. But I'm not a sissy. I used to kick and throw a football farther than all those little boys, so there.

Simply Suthern...So true about the differences. I coached a coed soccer team for 4-5 year olds. Oh man, was that funny. My girls were the flower pickers and loved snack time and the boys wanted to kick butt. I actually put my girls in the goalie and as fullbacks because the boys NEVER let the ball get down to them.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Red Writer...Yes,I did make him laugh but I nearly upchucked all over him. I am not looking forward to more poopy diapers~!

Adrienzgirl...You are so not a wimp but I am so with you on the gagging. BDC and my grandson can yuck it up all they want. Karma is a you know what.

Chantel....I love it. A bigwheel over the fence...with his brother on it?! I always wanted boys, too, because I do remember they were less prone to the catty junk and moved on quickly. And I can totally hang with booger jokes, farting, and other potty humor!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Savannah...You will make an awesome grandma and I am looking forward to learning the "boy" stuff. Smoochies seem to be out...maybe I better bring a worm over next time.

Ethemaepotter...Yes, I so admire a man's willingness to do the yucky things~! Your poor brother...did he ever get his revenge? I am not sure where this gag reflex came from. I could do anything when I was younger and NOTHING bothered me. Sigh.

Phoenix...Girls do fight dirty which is the only reason I survived my brothers I think! Changing poopy diapers was not on my bucket list of cool grandma things I was looking forward to you I'll tell you that~!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Mac...So many men love to roughhouse with the boys. It must be like women playing dress up with the little girls. hee, hee. I guess I will save that for the granddaughter.

Aunt Juicebox...Yes, I have four nephews and when they get going, I have to leave the room. Their moms can totally tune it out...it is an amazing talent.

Eloh...I would probably get tricked every time, too. Such a sucker. I'm glad she got over the vomiting though!

Matron...Yikes. I hadn't thought of actively going and looking for bugs with the grandson!! Well, as long as he doesn't put them in my hair.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Candice...See, that's what drove me nuts with my brothers. You know someone is going to get hurt and they still whine and cry and carry on. I guess I can't say too much. We used to run up and down the block wall fences and used to love when my mom would yell at us, "Don't come crying to me if you fall and break your leg!" Yeah, right, Mom, like we could run with a broken leg,then run like mad when she tried to spank us.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Jai...Yes, they do seem like an alien species. It's a good thing though the older I got the more I was willing to play outer space!

Tgoette...Five boys! Holy smokes, that's like my son-in-law. Noogies hurt so bad! Yuck. I hope you were one of the older brothers~!