Sunday, December 27, 2009

Cinnamon Toast and Tacos, Por Favor

I never what they were saying before but now I know. You know, those directions they give you in the beginning of the ride to keep you from flying out of the little boat into about 3 feet of water. Keep your arms and legs inside the boat at all times. Yada yada. They say them in Spanish and you would think I would understand what they are saying being as my parents speak Spanish and my grandparents did not speak English. Well, only a little anyways. It is amazing what two generations accomplish. Physicians, engineers, teachers.

My SIL, JuJuBeez, told me one day that all she ever heard listening to the Spanish instructions was, "Cinnamon toast and tacos, por favor." From my muy pequito Espanol, I think they are babbling about remain seated, please. But they could be saying take a hike for all I know.  

I only got my tree up a few days before Christmas, wrapped presents a few hours before they got ripped open, and once again did not send out a single card out. But I enjoyed every minute with family. My nephew, 7 years old, sang us some songs. I especially loved "I'm Getting Nuttin for Christmas."  Watched The Muppet Christmas Carol. Went to the Bonnie Hunt show where I jacked a pencil. Yes. I stole from Bonnie. I hope she comes hunting for me because she is so damn funny. They wanted us to fill out a slip giving our New Year's Resolutions. They even filmed one of my friends because she said she wanted to drink more wine, eat more chocolate. I kept the pencil. 

 Did you all have a Merry Christmas? I was going to spend New Year's Eve with my baby brother and his friends but I get to babysit my grandson. Yes!! He is part of my diabolical plan to lose weight by chasing him around. No, fat, lumpy grandma here. 

I went to the San Fernando Valley for Christmas to be with my folks. We saw the movie "Blind Side" on Christmas Day. Wow. What a movie. I loved it. Take a hankie with you when you go. Gotta love those gun-totin' Southern women. They thump their bibles and thick heads.  The line for Sherlock Holmes was horrendous and no way could my mom sit through almost three hours of Avatar. 

I usually don't do New Year's Resolutions because it will just another thing I don't accomplish yet again. This year though I think I'm going to have a few. Dual Mom, bless her black heart, and Think Tank Momma are challenging everyone to lose weight, so I will jumping on that wagon. Well, actually I will be hooking the bandwagon with a cane to catch it and then will leisurely climb on board, but I figure falling off will still be painful. 

I hope everyone's Christmas was joyous and I can't wait to hear about everyone's New Year's Eve debacles. 

I hope my grandson is not too much of a party animal.

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Sunday, December 13, 2009

Avast You Bloody Landlubbers~!

Call me Ismael.

I am still walking like a drunken sailor on land for the first time in months, my pony tail tipped in tar, and my parrot squawking in protest. 

We set sail on a three and a half hour tour (are we all singing the theme from Gilligan's Island now?) aboard the Hornblower. It was a rainy day and the seas were rough. Our mission: Find the Great Gray Whale. Hunt her down to the far reaches of Mission Bay...and snap a ton of pictures. 

Our captain was Captain Bill, a jovial man who only needed whiskers to look like St. Nick, who called himself a bus driver (but looked nothing like Ralph Cramden) and told us we were the whalers and to keep a sharp eye out for flukes and puffs of water and shout out "Thar She Blows!" when we spotted our whale. 

We stayed on the top deck in the rain. Hardy sailor types don't notice the inclement weather. And the snack bar sold me a bloody good Bloody Mary so I was all warm and toasty. Finally, my black beanie was soaked, my tennis shoes were getting water logged and my muffin was getting wet, we decided to duck downstairs for a little shelter. The steps were wet and Mr. Gadget Man shouts out to me to be careful. Well, yeah, of course I will and turn around to say something sarcastic.


Oh my god. Eighteen inches from nose was a nasty loud seagull squawking "Mine, Mine, Mine." I almost threw my muffin at it. Do you have any idea how big those stupid birds are? And then Captain Bill informs us if we feed the birds we would be in BIG trouble with the Feds and get arrested and all. Feed the birds. Hah! What if they pester and steal from us? 

The rain stops and we return to our stations in the crow's nest or the forecastle or whatever. We motor past sea lions lounging on barges and buoys. Great swaths of kelp float by. A Coast Guard boat goes by towing someone they rescued. 

But not a single whale...not even a dolphin. 

We did sail past the carrier Ronald Reagan currently in the San Diego port for fixin' up. Did you know it is 1000 feet long? And that the tallest building in downtown San Diego right across from the carrier is only 500 feet? So, if you stand the Ronald Reagan up on its hiney, it would be twice as tall as the tallest building? It would be like a warped scene from Titanic. 

Since sailors on leave like to party, we went off to Coronado Island and visited the Hotel Del Coronado. Such a beautiful building. A giant Christmas tree in the lobby. We ate downstairs, watched the ice skaters skate on a rink they made for the holidays, bought some yummy desserts. (Was there any doubt?) It is slightly drizzling, the beach is about 20 feet away and the ocean is probably about 100 feet or so away, but there it is...people wearing ice skates zipping past palm trees and the ocean. 


All in all, a good way to help celebrate my baby brother's soon to be 40th birthday. Yes, the baby of the family turns 40 on the 17th. Being the know-it-all big sister, I will have to razz him a little. Being the obnoxious little brother, he will have to remind me that I will ALWAYS be 12 years older. 

Too bad I forgot to make him walk the plank.

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Friday, December 11, 2009


So, are you Team Jacob or Team Edward?

I love my friends who say how can you be team Edward...he is hard and cold. How much fun can it be to hug a rock? I don't know which is funnier. The fact that I will argue with them or the fact that they say it like it's, you know, real. Or women only like it because they are missing something in their life. Well, duh. Romance writers would have been out of business years ago otherwise.

I am not a fan of the first movie. Twilight sucked. The parody was so much better than the movie. You don't believe me. Just watch.

See, that Bella could actually act. 

I enjoyed all four Twilight books. As I have said before they don't beat Harry Potter but I liked them anyways. (J.K. Rowling can actually write.) But it was fun reading about a vampire who is all sparkly, doesn't kill people, falls in love, and the horny teenager who falls in love with him.  

I liked the transformation into wolves. I disliked when Jacob cuts his hair. I really disliked the scene with Bella getting stitched up...where the hell was the director telling her not to look up like that. All I could see was her eyes disappear into her head and see a whole lot of the whites of her eyes. It was like a sunny side up egg gone horribly wrong. 

Dakota Fanning rocked. The bad vampires in Italy were fun. 

And Jasper still looks like a character from a puppet show.

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tree Twirler

I used to feel that way about my ex at Christmas. 

Every year at Christmas, we would all go out as a family to pick the tree. I loved doing this. The wonderful tree smell, happy people, twinkly lights. Probably why I will never have an artificial tree. It would seem to me like finally giving in to being a Scrooge. As if Christmas was just about getting it done instead of the memories. Besides, where else will the dog lift his leg while he is in the house to pee? Or take a drink? 

We would go and Ex would gladly unravel the netting, pull out the tree, and then twirl it around so we could all decide if it was the perfect tree. Well, gladly for a few trees anyway. The girls and I would finally pick one and then drag it off to pay for it. 

One year as we are standing in line to pay, Ex was grumbling in a somewhat playful manner about the whole bother. I looked at him and said, "You only have one job at be a Tree Twirler. What is so hard about that?" 

A couple of people back, a gentleman pipes up, "Hey, how did you manage that?"

He did manage a sheepish smile.

Last year I had Teddy Bear's boyfriend to help me with the tree twirling but this year he is not around and I have no tree twirler. Teddy's newest is in Afghanistan so I can't actually blame him for not taking a quick trip back to help. I'm not sure I have any frequent flyer miles to cover 7,500 miles. Heck, I don't have any frequent flyer miles. 

So Christmas is how many days away? Ahem. The dogs tore something up in the garage and I have white fluff all over the looks like Department 56 Dicken's Village, so that must be the sign from above that I need to start decorating. 

Fifteen days. Better check my list. I hope everyone was naughty so I don't have to buy too much.

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Monday, December 7, 2009

Burn, Baby, Burn!

I have super hero powers.

Yes, yes, I do.

I discovered them the other day and I am so excited. I was going to go put on my spandex and tights but somehow the look was not what I thought it would be. In my mind, it is Lara Croft. In reality, it is Miss Piggy....without the wicked sense of humor. I cannot wait to start the new big loser diet with Dual Mom. 

Back to my superhero powers. It has been cold enough here in Temecula, California to use my fireplace. My little bitty fireplace. I bought some way expensive firewood and a little box of firestarter. If you think I'm going to chop some kindling, you are crazy. I would be fingerless or toeless within a few chops. My hand eye coordination sucks. Big time. 

I have tried golfing a few times and hitting a little white ball with a club was torture. (I always thought it was so appropriate that Tiger Woods had the name Woods, you know, like the clubs. I guess he needs a new name now. Tiger Oops, maybe.) I swing the club and miss the ball entirely or I hit the ground and cause nerve tingling pain into my wrist and elbows or just clip the top of the damn ball and watch it dribble about 20 feet. We have a family reunion every year that is centered around golf. I will only play if they let me play Lucy and Ethel golf. 

I lit the fire starter, put a couple of logs on...and nothing. Now, I have a pile of paper to be shredded that if I stacked it all up would probably be 12 feet high. No problem. Instead of shredding it, I will burn it. Just to get the fire started you know. I fold up a bunch of sheets, stick in the fire, and whoa, big flames and the wood looks like it is burning. Walk back to the couch. Oops. Wood went out. More paper. More burning. Walk away. Fire goes out. I'm making log briquettes. It is looking a nice charcoal black color. 

How is it that paper and wood can be set on fire and then go out? Over and over. I went through quite a few folders of paper when finally the wood started. I only had to sit right in front of it feeding the fire because of its voracious appetite. It got so hot I almost melted my stretch pants. But as soon as I stand up and walk away, the fire goes out.

I tell you, it was like magic. 

I am thinking red tights with some flames on my leotard and pointy Madonna like cones with more flames. Maybe a cool mask. I can even dye my hair bright red. Shoot. I might look like the Flash. 

I am taking suggestions for my superhero name. Somehow "The Great Fire Putter-Outer" just sounds lame. 


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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Ho! Ho! Ho!

I feel like I got gobbled up by a turkey. I don't have a turkey wattle though. 

Thanksgiving was fun. Family, friends, food, chocolate martinis. (Thanks, L~!) Vodka, Godiva chocolate liqueur, and Bailey's Irish Cream. My sister and I "practiced" making them on Wednesday night. Come to think of it, that may explain why turkey day was tiring. D'oh. We got tipsy and did not get to bed until after midnight. Thank goodness my mom was there. 

So much going on getting ready for the holidays...and the IRS just sent me a CERTIFIED letter saying it was a letter of deficiency and I owe over $3000. All because a client filled out their 1099 form out wrong....they said they paid me $10,000 more than I said they did and, of course, the IRS wants their share of that. You know, things don't work mostly because of bureaucracy and all the damn hoops you have to jump through to get things done and I'm not talking about the IRS. They have actually been fabulous. No, it is my damn client from almost three years ago driving me to drink and an ulcer. 

Things work out for the best and I hope this is one of those times. Hey, don't laugh at my rose colored glasses!

Have you ever seen that show "Hoarders"? Wow. I have been recording it but have had no time to watch it until last Sunday. Holy crud. It is mesmerizing. I have a question though. Most of the people profiled were not in a high socioeconomic bracket but I had read once that hoarders tend to be pretty educated. I wonder if they would just never allow a camera into their home to film. One episode was fascinating because the lady was a hoarder and had a daughter who lived in the home who was a hoarder but the daughter was a schizophrenic...and she made more sense than the mom. Even the drunk husband was more rational than the hoarder. Like I said, I was mesmerized. 

Teddy Bear flew to Philadelphia for Thanksgiving (boo hoo) and got to see how the East coast does turkey day. They also ran up the Rocky stairs in Philly. My knees hurt just thinking about it. 


Well, as you can tell, I am wandering all over the place. Oh, oh, I saw "A Christmas Carol" with Jim Carey. Yikes. Bah humbug. Yucky, yucky. I still have not seen New Moon though. I am going to go blog hopping to see what you all thought of it. 

Gotta go make my list and check it twice. Santa doesn't mind typos does he?

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