Monday, December 7, 2009

Burn, Baby, Burn!

I have super hero powers.

Yes, yes, I do.

I discovered them the other day and I am so excited. I was going to go put on my spandex and tights but somehow the look was not what I thought it would be. In my mind, it is Lara Croft. In reality, it is Miss Piggy....without the wicked sense of humor. I cannot wait to start the new big loser diet with Dual Mom. 

Back to my superhero powers. It has been cold enough here in Temecula, California to use my fireplace. My little bitty fireplace. I bought some way expensive firewood and a little box of firestarter. If you think I'm going to chop some kindling, you are crazy. I would be fingerless or toeless within a few chops. My hand eye coordination sucks. Big time. 

I have tried golfing a few times and hitting a little white ball with a club was torture. (I always thought it was so appropriate that Tiger Woods had the name Woods, you know, like the clubs. I guess he needs a new name now. Tiger Oops, maybe.) I swing the club and miss the ball entirely or I hit the ground and cause nerve tingling pain into my wrist and elbows or just clip the top of the damn ball and watch it dribble about 20 feet. We have a family reunion every year that is centered around golf. I will only play if they let me play Lucy and Ethel golf. 

I lit the fire starter, put a couple of logs on...and nothing. Now, I have a pile of paper to be shredded that if I stacked it all up would probably be 12 feet high. No problem. Instead of shredding it, I will burn it. Just to get the fire started you know. I fold up a bunch of sheets, stick in the fire, and whoa, big flames and the wood looks like it is burning. Walk back to the couch. Oops. Wood went out. More paper. More burning. Walk away. Fire goes out. I'm making log briquettes. It is looking a nice charcoal black color. 

How is it that paper and wood can be set on fire and then go out? Over and over. I went through quite a few folders of paper when finally the wood started. I only had to sit right in front of it feeding the fire because of its voracious appetite. It got so hot I almost melted my stretch pants. But as soon as I stand up and walk away, the fire goes out.

I tell you, it was like magic. 

I am thinking red tights with some flames on my leotard and pointy Madonna like cones with more flames. Maybe a cool mask. I can even dye my hair bright red. Shoot. I might look like the Flash. 

I am taking suggestions for my superhero name. Somehow "The Great Fire Putter-Outer" just sounds lame. 


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Dual Mom said...

The Amazing Fire Annihilator?

And boots, your costume needs some really cool boots, tight rubber ones, in flourescent green. Of course the rubber wouldn't hold up very well in fire. Hmmm I'll have to rethink that one.

My spandex would run screaming in terror if I even attempted putting them on my ass at this point.

Aunt Juicebox said...

We used to have a wood burning stove when I was a kid. My dad did chop the wood, but he used newspaper underneath to start it, and that seemed to keep it burning. I don't know, I've never started one myself.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

How about "The Extinguisher!"?

Just a thought.

Casey said...

Ewww good names for you! Hard to pick which one is you. Joe hooked ours up to the gas thingy and we use that to start it, can't keep it on though (not with Scrooge McDuck!)but the wood catches way better. BTW, woods only 3.99 a bundle at Winco! So cheap! At least you have your heater as back up! Stay warm! C

Phoenix said...

I really can't come up with anything more clever than what The INDefatigable mjenks already suggested: The Extinguisher.

It's perfect.

On a side note, one of my super powers is that I automatically know, before even checking to see if I'm correct, if a public restroom stall is out of toilet paper. It's extremely useful.

I'm sorry that your firescapade didn't turn out as fiery as you might have liked. Boo.

adrienzgirl said...

The Snuffer

That's all I got!

ethelmaepotter! said...

I like the Extinguisher, too. And that episode of Lucy...classic!

Anonymous said...

LMAO! I love Lucy is a classic show!

JennyMac said...

MJenks takes the cake on this one.

@eloh said...

Well, I obviously back to making comments then moving on without pushing enough buttons to publish it. I had a really snappy answer too...I just can't remember what it was.

MaryRC said...

Cheetah Woods.... love ethle and lucy golf, now thats my game. i vote extinguisher as well.. its good!

Hollywood Farm Films said...

My gardening bug turned into a burning bug! Sorry your were having trouble. Read my Burning Meditations. As far as that deaf dog, my mother in law adopted a deaf dog and literally communicates with it through sign language. I'll send you the book she used to learn. Daisy can shut up on cue!! Victoria Spurwell on "It's Me Or The Dog," uses some of the same techniques. Good luck with her!
Thanks for the comment. I'm trying to get on the blog train.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

@dual mom...I am hoping that by next Halloween I can have my new costume with my new and improved body. I think the boots are a great idea but I think mjenks had a great name...The Extinguisher. I was hoping for a magic wand but I will settle for a fire extinguisher. Have foam will travel.

@aunt juicebox....Wood burning stoves always remind of skiing...not that I ski. I only haul the kids up to the slopes and then have to stay sober enough to drive home. Such a drag.

@mjenks...You win~! I am The Extinguisher. (I kept thinking of Dumbledore's deluminator.)

@casey...Yeah, you commented!! Sheesh, I paid $6.50 a bundle.

@phoenix...Ha ha! You must be nice to have around when you are standing in line waiting. Drip drying just doesn't seem like a lady like option.

@adrienzgirl...Snuffer sounds like a good name for a hitman though~!

@ethelmaepotter...So funny, I was thinking of you when I picked that episode!

@christiejolu...Lucy is the best and thanks for stopping by~!

@jennymac...Mjenks always comes up with the quickest wittiest comments like that~!

@eloh...Ah, I feel like I have been MIA. Work is overwhelming me and the Xmas fairy has not hit me upside the head yet. I would settle for the chubby guy with the little wings right now.

@maryrc...Cheetah Woods~! LOL, very good.

@hollywoodfarms...welcome to bloggy land~! Thanks for the comment and your blog is so interesting!