Honest, I Can See

My birthday is coming up...on September 11th. Yep. My brother was born on December 7th. Yep. If this keeps up, there will be a disaster on all of my siblings' birthdays.

My license expires next month and I still have not heard from the DMV. They found me to register my car and thanks to Governor Girlie Man my bill is a lot higher this year for the "privilege" of driving my car on the streets of California.

I am hoping, and if I was a praying type person, I would totally be praying that I do not have to actually go in to renew my license. The last time was a nightmare. Not because they were slow. No, I made an appointment and only waited a few minutes to start the bureaucratic drivel. As I am waiting in line to take the eye test, I am thinking to myself, "Piece of cake, self. Those charts are like neon sign big. I should probably memorize them but, shoot, I can read them just fine, no need to cheat."

My turn. The fine bureaucrat tells me to read one of the lines from chart B. Easy peasy. Then she asks me to cover my right eye and read the sign. Uh oh. As with everything in my life right now, nothing is balanced, not even my eyeballs. My left eye is farsighted. That's good. Reading chart B is easy. Now cover your left eye. Shitty shit shit. Where the hell did the chart go? You would think I would remember the letters since I just read them for the nice lady. No, no, you would be soooo wrong. I struggle, guess, hem and haw. Finally, she has me look into a machine. What the frig? When does the dastardly DMV turn into optometrists? She asks me over and over if I can read the lines. Just give me my license. She asks me if I wear glasses to drive? Nope. I've never needed them because, you see, I drive with BOTH eyes open. Call me crazy.

She gives me my license, sends me to get a new picture, but tells me that next time I will probably need glasses to get my license. But I don't have glasses for driving. Lord help me.

Gosh, I guess I do know how to pray.

I Love Unicorns

Housewife Savant has a great post on unicorns...nah, just kidding. She has an AWESOME POST on commenting on blogs. As always, she is a black belt in wordology or writerology or whatever. The woman can ninja punch the hell out of the written word.

I love comments. What blogger doesn't? You are reading one of your favorite bloggers and there's a bunch of comments on a post. Yeah. You grab your bowl of popcorn to dig in and enjoy what people what to have to say. Bloggers make good commenters, you know. But, no. Sometimes the comments are so...so...not pertinent. But to be honest, I like any comment on my blog. Well, I guess, I wouldn't like to be yelled at. I am a big weenie.

So if I have left an inane and moronic comment on your blog, I'm sorry. And Charlie the Unicorn is weird.

The Longest Way

For some reason, Eloh, this reminded me of something you would appreciate. Sometimes the journey changes who you are and sometimes it just reminds you of who you are. And sometimes it just puts your ass on a plane and takes you for a ride.

Bing...Bing...Bing Goes the Internet

I have been captured by this jingle. I cannot stop listening. Oh lord. Bing, bing, bing, bing.

That "dance" is so cool. And if you are not laughing your ass off at 45 seconds into this video, there is seriously something wrong with you. Don't you want a pair of pants like Jonathan? Go Bing the internet.

Damn that Microsoft. www.bing.com

Frugal People of the World Unite~!

From a letter to the editor of the Vail Daily:

"All you people who own and drive gas-guzzling SUVs out there, as far as i'm concerned, you are all eco-terrorists! You need to beimmediately arrested, jailed and have your vehicles forcibly confiscated from you. I advocate long prison terms for your willful idiocy!

You are destroying your children's future by condemning them to a planet that will not support life anymore because you are belching out ungodly amounts of CO2 from your SUVs, causing irreversible global climate change to occur.

Are you aware that millions and millions of innocent men, women and children are dying on this planet every single day, just so you can live in million dollar condos and drive around in luxury vehicles?

I urge the Obama administration and the state legistlatures to immediately criminalize all SUVs and stop this insanity before it destroys us all! If you wasteful American idiots resist, may you be either thrown into government-operated FEMA concentration camps or taken out and shot.

Take it from Richard Heinberg and his book, “The Party's Over.” Get it through your thick heads!

Enough of your madness!

Wren Guzman"


Good lord.

So what else should be illegal and cause us to be thrown in jail for? I think all the teenagers who throw their fast food crap out of car windows should go to jail for being ecoterrorists. Then we could send Jack in the Box to jail with them so he can keep Ronald McDonald company.

Come on, folks, I'm sure you are guilty of some ecoterrorism and need to purchase carbon credits and offsets. I wonder if planting a tree absolves me of my sins?

I think frugal people of the world probably have the right idea. If you squeeze a nickel until it cries uncle, you are probably being green. They reduce because damn if they are going to buy anything, they reuse everything (wash their plastic sandwich bags, Cool Whip containers, etc.) and recycle. They definitely recycle. They paid that damn nickel to the state for recycling and they are going to get it back. I had a friend who thought it was an outrage that coffee could cost $3.00 or a martini could be $15.00. She brown bagged it every day and you know what? Because she watched every penny, it was a great diet! No gluttony allowed when you are frugal.

So we should all happily wear the title cheapskate, frugal, tightwad and tell everyone we are being green. And maybe we can stay out of jail where all the SUV driving moms are organizing a penitentiary PTA.

Bean Pot from Alpha Centauri

I think my mom likes aliens...she has always been crazy about outer space stuff, you know. I knew there was something amiss about her. We were making beans for the BBQ and mom said the lid was a no go. It did look kind of yucky. She went hunting for a new lid that would fit and this is what she created. She is the one that said it looked like an alien, not me. I'm afraid to find out who my dad really is....Michael Rennie?

Shazbot. I mean damn.

I Am "Loosing" My Mind

*sigh* This has been causing me to LOSE my mind and when I finish LOSING my mind, my cranium will have more room for my brain and it will feel LOOSER. Also, my friend L is putting me on a diet and training program and will be kicking my ass for the new few months, so I will be LOSING weight so my pants will fit LOOSER because I don't want to look like a LOSER. *fingers in the shape of an L on my forehead*

I am a grammatical hack. I love run on sentences. I think the ellipsis is an awesome super hero of punctuation. I know what a serial comma is but I think of Dexter now when I read about it. "Serial Comma Arrested in Bloody Diagram Killings." But this has been driving me batty.

Lose and loose. Loose has a nice sibilant sound to it, like you are about to say Lucy, as in Lucy has lots of 'splaining to do. Lose is all harsh, like bees with their panties in a bunch.

Thanks for letting me vent. The random PSA for no good reason is over.

But don't get me started on isles and aisles.