Friday, April 2, 2010

Sometimes It Pays to Look Stupid

Do you ever look back and wonder how you made to the age you are now? How on earth can someone that dumb have made it? No?


Have you ever been stuck on the side of a freeway? When you suddenly realize just how fast 80 mph is and you hope you don't end up like the bugs on your front bumper?

I was listening to the radio and the guy was talking about the goings at Griffith Park. Some sort of shenanigans in the bushes. Now, I'm sure his shenanigans were different than the ones I experienced. 

Picture it. Around Mother's Day...sometime in the early '80s. (My frontal lobes refuse to cough up the date.) We are taking my mom to a play in Los Angeles. I am following the crew in my 1984 Honda Accord, affectionately known as Suzie the Squirrel Killer. Headed east on the 134 getting ready to transition to the 5 southbound. Right there near Forest Lawn, the Los Angeles Zoo, Griffith Park. It is Sunday morning so it is quiet. Hardly any traffic. 

And Suzie decides to drop her nut basket. She just coughs and dies. I firmly believe that I have an overworked and underpaid guardian angel because I coast into a big dirt turn out with a Call Box phone right in front of me. It is almost comical to think how antiquated those seem now in the era of cell phones. I try to restart Suzie but she will have none of that and my family is oblivious to the fact that I am no longer behind them. 

I am dressed in nice cream colored slacks and silky shirt and really nice shoes....totally different than my usual jeans and sneakers. I feel so stupid. I walk to the Call Box and try to figure out how it works. The nice lady who answers is pretty emphatic. Are you on the freeway or pulled over to the side? I tell her I am in a turn out and she sounds relieved. I am told to get back in my car and put on my seat belt and someone will be on their way. 

Thank heaven it is a nice day. I get back in the car, put on my seat belt, roll down the windows and start to turn on the radio. D'oh! Car broken. Probably for the first time in my life my car is not littered with at least 5 books. (I used to think of my car as a giant purse back then.) This is going to be soooooooo borrrriiiinnnngggg. 

As I sit there feeling sorry for myself, a car pulls into the turn out. It is a big area and the car is at least 100 feet away. Do you remember when cars were the size of aircraft carriers? With trunks that could easily fit a Mini Cooper? Well, that's what pulls in behind me. A big man gets out of his car. Hollywood could not have picked a more cheesy stereotype of scary guy. 

Gulp. Trying not to look like I just had the shit scared out of me, I try to ever so casually roll up my windows. You know, I mean really ROLL up the windows, like in the olden days. I manage to do it and lock my doors and I start sweating like mad. I look in my rear view mirror. He is looking at me and smirking. He reaches back into his car, picks something up, and then closes his door. 


He is putting on a pair of work gloves. ohmygod. ohmygod. ohmygod. I'm going to die and no one will ever know what happened to me!

Mr. Goon puts on his gloves, walks to the ginormous trunk and opens it up. Probably looking for rope and duct tape. He fiddles around a little while. 

I on the other hand look like I have been hypnotized by a snake. I'm sure my mouth is hanging open but I can't move a muscle. When it comes to fight or flight, I chose the third option....pretend you're a statue. 

He walks out from behind his car and walks toward the bushes. What??? He is digging around in there for a while. What is he doing? He walks back to his trunk carrying wrapped packages of something. He goes back and forth. Back and forth. Did UPS drop a load of his in the bushes? What is he doing and what are those packages? 

He finishes his groping in the bushes and shuts the trunk. He takes off his gloves. Okay, maybe I'm going to live after all. He doesn't want fingerprints on my throat, right?

He gets in his car, starts his engine, adjusts his mirror to check himself out, and starts to drive away. As he passes me, he looks over at me. That sonofabitch actually looks like he is trying not to laugh. 

Do you know how many years later did I realize just what the heck he was up to? Little packages of cocaine or heroin. (I don't think it was weed.) Can you imagine if I had had to take a whizz and went into the bushes and tinkled on their stuff? Light tan bricks of urine flavored coke? I still have a heart attack thinking about it.

I can only guess that I must have looked clueless, gullible, and oblivious enough to reality so he figured he had nothing to worry about. 

Like I said, sometimes it pays to at least look stupid.

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Simply Suthern said...

It's funny no matter how ugly things looked then how funny it is when you look back. I have been fortunate to not ever been stuck on a highway. How ever I carry enuff tools in the trunk to get her running. My kids have been stuck around town. Thank goodness for AAA. Funny Post.

Coffeypot said...

If it paid to look stupid I would be a millionaire.

Dual Mom said...

Okay, at the risk of appearing like a dunce...what was he doing?

God I feel stupid.

Ahhhh the good ole' days of "winding" up your windows!!! ahah

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

I can picture it so well! LOL

What was he doing? Digging up small plants to transplant somewhere else? I've done that before...LOL

ethelmaepotter! said...

Okay, I'm going to use the excuse that with my seizures and the allergic reaction to the meds, I am not able to think I have no clue what the guy was doing! Fill us in, please!

RA said...

Hilarious! But I have to admit, I'm clueless. What was he doing exactly? :/

Anonymous said...

well at least you weren't actively pee'n on it when he got there, that woulda been bad!

Pearl said...

ha ha!

I have a very similar story, mid-80s, Key West, giant bales of pot on the beach.

Drugs! Everywhere!

And yes. Sometimes, I'm surprised I lived. :-)


Sandi said...

I would have been totally freaked out! But isn't it funny (and fun) how some of the most dire moments in our lives eventually become great stories!

Me....bunny said...

I know the area very well..your lucky you didn't end up in the wash on the other side of the freeway...stupid is as stupid


savannah said...

and y'all wonder why i left los angeles, sugar! dope dropoffs on the transition lane...i so know the area! (not that i did any deals there, btw) xoxoxox

Aunt Juicebox said...

The least he could have done is offer you a ride. ;) kidding....

Phoenix said...

Damn, your stories are even better than mine! I just try to put on a cute innocent face and hope people don't think I'm any real threat. Yikes...

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

That was scary! Reminds me of a story of my own, I may have to blog about.

Thank God he was a drug dealer and not a murderer!

FRANNIE said...

That would've scared the crap out of me! Thank god he just drove away laughing.

How long did it take for help to come?

Nezzy said...

OMGosh, you saw him, you could pick him out in a line up, you watched him load his contraband and he let ya live! Whew, this could of ended so much worse instead of this rib ticklin' hilarious post! Thanks for makin' my afternoon!

God bless and have a wonderful Wednesday!!!

POBOX said...

Yeah, stupid lucky is going to your car in the underground parking of your Hollywood apartment and not paying attention as you walk down the stairs and almost bump into 6 tough guys doing a deal. Their long coats didn't completely hide their guns so I didn't look at them (too closely). I casually turned around and went back to my apartment, locked the door, turned off the lights and crouched low in a place I figured spraying bullets wouldn't hit me.

taaurus said...

Wow. He could of at least taken a look at your car. You know ~ since he was all stopped and all. haha :)

notesfromnadir said...

That is just totally surreal! I also guess that you had manual windows??? :)