Sunday, August 16, 2009

Little Gray Cells vs. Blubber Cells-UPDATE

UPDATE: Well, unbeknownst to me, PETA (People for Exceedingly Tacky Ads) put out a Save the Whales ad to fight blubber...just trying to help me along in my quest to be svelte and slim just like them PETA people. In their quest to save fat women everywhere, they have so graciously given us their best advice...GO VEGETARIAN. I think they have taken their advice to an extreme and stuffed their heads full of straw because you know brains are like, meat, you know and meat, you know, is BAD. So all you beached whales at the beach, put down the burger and grab some tofu...then it can be your turn to make fun of someone. Of course, don't whales eat meat? Oh man, wait until PETA finds out.

I have started a new diet...and it's not even New Year's. I am only 5 feet 3 inches tall and look good at 120 pounds but let's just say I'm a few bowling balls over that weight. I have been watching what I eat. I still eat it, but now I watch it as I do. Nah. Just kidding. I have actually been good for a while. I even went out with the girls at P. F. Chang's in La Jolla and did not have a drink *gasp* and only ordered lettuce wraps. But I know this is all a mind f**k my fat cells are conspiring on.

I used to think it was my brain in charge. You know, just make the right choices, don't buy the wrong foods, blah, blah, blah. Now I know why that has never worked. My brain is not in charge of fat. There is a whole fat union thing going on and the union thugs are totally in control. They are so clever. They let me think I'm so slick for a few days and then, wham, they send out the blubber cells in charge of salty yummy chips. It was an all out offensive. Normandy Beach took place in my cellulite stricken thighs. But the little gray cells won that skirmish. I resisted. I gave name, rank, and serial number. (There was no frickin' way I was telling them my weight.)

The next offensive was tasty nummy oh-so-little-they-can't-possibly-count-as-calorie desserts at P.F. Chang's. Fortunately, none of the other traitors, I mean, friends ordered dessert, so by default I won. Blubber union headquarters was not amused. Picket lines were organized. Busloads of fatty cells were sent in as shock troops. I capitulated. The white flag went up. I ordered a Monte Cristo sandwich when I was out with my brother yesterday. This is not just a sandwich. It is a DEEP FRIED sandwich. Served with fries. But you know what? After days and days of being good, it just tasted greasy. I even gave my fries to my sister-in-law and only ate 3. Okay, 6, but they were little ones. I didn't even finish it. I have been practicing on the super slow eating thing. I read an article once that said French women stay skinny because it takes them forever to eat, so they don't eat a lot. That is how they get away with eating fattening foods. Well, that was their theory anyway. I think it has more to do with being a mistress and having to duck and cover a lot.

I think it really helped going to see Body Worlds in San Diego a few Sundays ago. Such a strange exhibit. I was totally not freaked out until looking at one body, I saw a tattoo on the wrist. It was like getting hit upside the head. One exhibit had a thin cross-section of an obese body. You could see the layers of fat on the back, in the stomach, just everywhere. You know it's bad enough to get a quick glimpse of your own fat on your back much less see it on exhibit.

I am even re-reading a book I have had for ages by Joyce Vedral on getting a fit body. I love that book. Now, if only I could look like her just by turning the pages.


@eloh said...

I've been thinking about thinking about going on a diet. All the success of a couple of blogs we (you and I) read...maybe, just maybe.

I'm six foot and I turn sideways to disappear at there is no way I'm going to speak of current numbers...though this seems to be something the successful folks really do. I'll have to pose that question and find out if they think that helps. (motivation)

Housewife Savant said...

I need to hire mercenaries to fight this war for me.
Or geurillas/geurrillas/gorillas...?
Ooo, bananas... Aw, carbs.

The Peach Tart said...

I loved this post. We women always seem to be struggling with our weight especially as we age. It seems like a never ending battle.

Thanks for signing up as a follower on my blog. I love yours and have signed up to follow too.

If you want to really get pissed off, check out my latest blog post "PETA hates fat people" and their newest ad campaign. I'm outraged.

carma said...

maybe if you turn the pages really fast while doing squats?? ;-)

Jeanne said...

Great post as always Kat. ;-)

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

@eloh...You mean, actually put our real weight out there in the internet cyberworld? Yikes. I can barely look at that number when I see it on the scale. I guess there would be some motivation in it though.

HS...mercenaries, yes, I think that would work. Fat busters. I am trying to figure out how I would pay those darn mercenaries. Do you think they would take Disney dollars?

The Peach Tart...Thanks for following! I clicked over to your blog and promptly stole the picture to add to my post...Wow. I could not believe the arrogance in that ad. Maddening buttinskis.

Carma...squats!! My thighs are already trying to run away at the thought. Maybe if I do triceps curls with my Jack and coke that would help.

Jeanne...I miss you!!! And thanks.

Amy said...

A muffin top only really looks good if you're actually a muffin. I know this to be true because I am not a muffin and the bulge around the top of my Levi's looks pretty hideous.

I started walking twelve days ago and have only missed one night. I've started taking vitamens and watching what I eat...again. I've been through this before, oh so many times. Twelve pounds. JUST twelve pounds. Might as well be a truckload.

(I think we've just formed a support group!)

Lola Lakely said...

Ugh, I saw that billboard on Peach's site and wanted to throw up! It's so offensive! Anyway, I loved the your name so I decided to follow you. I'm glad I did.

I recently lost about 20 lbs due to eating smaller meals about 6 times a day- every three hours and it really helps with the hunger thing!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

@Amy...You are so right...muffin tops only look good on muffins~! I just bought a heart monitor and a friend who is going to be a trainer has given me my target heart rate, which I can achieve just by jogging quickly to the bathroom. 12 nights of walking! I am impressed. Maybe a support group is a good idea. Too bad sweat is not fat...I would be 100 pounds by now.

@lola...Love your avatar! That is exactly what my friend wants me to do, small meals all day long. 20 pounds. Wow. That must feel good. No jeans squooshing all the excess muffin top~! I guess I can use the excuse of walking my daughter's dog to get some exercise. Thanks for the follow!

Wine and Words said...

OMG! Seriously? That's a bill board for real? Jeeze. Thank you for stopping by my blog. You will find, if you continue, that our struggles are parallel in the weight department. ("I am in shape. Round is a shape") I am just finishing week one of a three week cleanse prior to phase II: Healthy eating. It's working, but not much fun...especially the not drinking on Girls Night Out! Freakin' harsh!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

@wine and words...Your blog is addicting, I keep popping in to read older posts. I am anxious to read about Maggie Mom.

Okay, this cleansing thing...I am totally interested and fascinated. Well, except for the not drinking part. Jack and I do not part company well. Gosh, I sound like a lush. Sheesh.

Thanks for the comment~!