Sunday, November 1, 2009

Don't Piss Off a Table Full of Doggie Lovers

Do you really want to know what that is a picture of? Really?

I don't mind telling but then I have a habit of making my friends jam their hands over their ears and start singing "la la la, I'm not listening."

Yes, this adorable ball of fluff is on my enemies list. Gosh, I sound presidential saying that. Because right now if I were to catch him, I would be in the Super Bowl throwing a perfect spiral for a touch down, but instead of a pigskin, it would be fluffer butt. 

Of course, this picture also reflects badly on my housekeeping, so I truly am irritated about that, too. 

My doorbell rang the other day, and being the paranoid tin foil hat wearing person that I am, I have to know who is ringing my bell. I sneak into the living room to take a peek and almost step in it. And on it. 

Little piles of poo. 

Streaks of doggie dung. 

Yes, that is a picture of lots of poo. Doggie poo. Indy poo. 

As you can tell, I barely ever go in my living room. It is a pretty room with beautiful couches and an awesome book shelf but I park my butt on the family room couches. 

I was hopping mad. I sent off a snitty text message to Indy's trailer trash mommy (Teddy Bear) and tell her that when I get home that night there had damn well better be no shit on the floor. 

Lucky for her, Friday I went out and, well, today is Sunday and my head finally feels like it will not roll off. When I woke up Saturday morning, the only thing I could do was wonder if riding the porcelain bus might make me feel better. Never again. I'm old enough to know when to stop. Sheesh.

I had to sleep most of Saturday because every Halloween for years BFF and I go to Claim Jumpers for drinks at their happy hour. This is about our fourth year going there instead of passing out candy for rug rats and I did not want to be totally hung over and crabby.

My head is still not all there and lord help me there was no way I was drinking, but I go and we have a great time. Somehow we got on the subject of dogs. I am sitting with a table of dog LOVERS. 

Not dog likers. 

Not dog toleraters.

Dog lovers. 

And, unfortunately, both my dogs have jumped up and down on my last nerve this week. BARK BARK BARK bark bark bark bark bark. My fat weiner dog is going deaf so lord knows why he is barking and I have to admit I get a hoot out of sneaking up on him to yell at him to shut up for gawd's sake, but he does not hear me because, well, he's deaf, but then I poke his fat weiner dog body and he jumps a mile. Oh man, it is so funny. 

He used to be able to jump so high he could snatch food out of your hand when you were standing up. Now, when he jumps, just part of his paws come up off the ground. He looks like a fat ballerina trying to get up on some new toe shoes but he never actually leaves the ground. Bark, tippy toe, bark, tippy toe. 

So, no, I was not everyone's favorite person last night. They have this idea that dogs are....are...people. So, I guess I'm in the dog house with all my doggie lover friends. 

I hope they give me a pretty flea collar. And, at least, I know better than to use the carpet as toilet paper.

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ethelmaepotter! said...

Yep, that's really...disgusting. The little fluffball didn't pee on the keyboard, did he?
And, I must admit, you totally surprised me with your admission of lousy housekeeping. I probably would've lied and said it was my sister-in-law's house, or something.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Lord knows what else he did in there because I took off running when I saw this disaster. I promise, the rest of my home does not look this way, but truthfully if I don't go into a room a lot, I don't think about it. Until I have company that is, then the whole house gets a major house cleaning. Since my large family visits me on a regular basis, it does not get too bad. But, yes, that is MY living room floor. My super duper clean freak friends are probably jumping up and down having conniptions right now.

@eloh said...

I have a four pound chihuahua... I knew the second I saw that mess, who "dun" it.

adrienzgirl said...

It's like when I make run over cat jokes at the mother-in-laws house, who has like 14 of them, in the house. Yeah, she's totally the weird cat lady!

kys said...

That is why I will never have a dog. I (usually) don't have to clean up my kids' poop anymore and I sure as heck am not going to clean up after a dog.

Elliott said...

Thankfully, the dammit is usually pretty good. However, he wound up getting an allergy shot last weekend, so every night when I called home from my hotel room 1000 miles away, I was told exactly how many times he peed in front of the door instead of telling Lori he needed to go.

Thank dog we have tile in most of the house.

Sandi said...

Having lived with cat hairballs, a little dog poop is no big deal! But your evening with dog lovers was interesting. And I love the fat dog story!

Laoch of Chicago said...


MaryRC said...

i love my dog, but hes a dog he lives outside not in my house, you can complain all you want at my table. and dog poop sux no matter what color ribbon you tie up with.

L said...

I cannot believe you went out Saturday night after Friday night! Took me until Saturday evening to get over my hangover. Friday night was fun while it was happening but it sure sucked the next day. This is why I don't drink like that very often. Ugh! I sure hope Teddybear cleaned up the mess for you. I would have duct taped his ass for him, and I'm a dog lover.

Karen Carter said...

OMG Kathy promise me you made her pick that up!! you are much too nice a mother and if it was me that dog and kid would be out until it got cleaned.
But you know me and poo...I couldnt look at the pic too long as I started to gag! Love and hugs and hopes for a nicer carpet soon Karen~

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

@eloh...the only consolation is they were small tootsie roll size and just as dry and tough, so I imagine Teddy Bear had no trouble picking it up. I don't know the last time I was this irritated though.Yuck.

@adrienzgirl...I had to laugh at that one. Maybe one day if I ever get to pick out a dog, I will feel differently, but every time a pet comes home, all I see are stain marks and trouble.

@kys...You are so right. Cleaning up kid poo is one thing but this dog poo stuff just has to end~! Such bad manners.

@elliott...There is so much tile on the bottom floor of the house, but no, damn dog has to use the cushy carpeting. God forbid he crap on something cold and hard.

@sandi...I have a friend with 3 cats and hairballs are a fact of life but then her 2 dogs tend to clean up after that. GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I have tons of fat dog stories but since they make me look bad, I tend not to tell them~!

@loach of Chicago...Thanks! I have a question. How do you pronounce loach?

@mary rc...That is what kind of ticks me off a little bit, for the most part the dogs live outside. I work at home and the last thing I want to do is keep an eye on the dogs. Sheesh. I already went through toilet training with my kids. I guess it is nicer for them to poop in the house.

@L...Yes, I went out Saturday night but believe me I had nothing to drink. I ordered a high fat meal and drank iced tea and felt better. But then I slept most of the day Saturday. I think that might be my first and last shot of Jaeger or however you spell it. Teddy Bear cleaned it up and I told Indy was doggie non grata in the house for awhile.

@karen...Poor Karen, I forgot about you and poo~! Believe me, if I had had my way, the dog would have been on Craigs list with a come and get me sign, I'm free. I think that is what cheesed off the dog lovers. LOL. I found a great carpet cleaner, Resolve, and it seems to be working magic. I want my $1000 pet deposit back when I move but I have a feeling I may not. Which is another reason the doggies are on my doo doo list~! I wish I could buy a house right now. sigh.

Casey said...

Hey, am I that person with the 3 cats and the dogs that "clean" up after them? ;) Thanks for the help. I hope it works!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Yeah, Casey, can comment now~! At least your hair balls disappear on their own...LOL. Teddy Bear actually left a bunch of papertowels on the coffee table and I had to tell when you clean, you actually CLEAN. Sheesh. How can you be almost 20 and think that leaving everything out you used to clean is okay? I may have to buy one of those little scrubby things like Debbie for this carpet.

Aunt Juicebox said...

My dad has two dogs, a pomi, and a pomi/chi mix, and I DARE them to poop in his house. However, the female pees on me every time I pick her up, it makes me so mad. She loves me to pieces, or I'd think it was intentional.

Ellie said...

Oh GROSS> That is foul! Nasty nasty trailer-trash mommy!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

@aunt juicebox...Yuck. I guess you need to squeeze her first before you pick her up.

@ellie...It was so GROSS. That little crap dog did it on the other side of the coffee table so you don't see it when you are walking by the room. Well hidden. For such a stupid little dog, that was pretty slick. And his stupid trailer trash mommy had the nerve to roll her eyes at me like I was overreacting. Good think I love that kid.

Unknown Mami said...

That is a lot of dog dookie!

MaryRC said...

Drop by Shaking the Tree to see what I have for you.. xoxo Mary

Pearl said...

I actually DID laugh out loud at the thought of you creeping up behind your going-deaf doggie to see him jump. :-) Sounds like something I would do.


Phoenix said...

LOL this post cracks me up!! I'm not a small doggie person myself and I don't take ANYTHING seriously enough to be a dog LOVER so the thought of a bunch of fur-parents being pissed off at you makes me laugh so damn much.

Lovely to meet you and thanks for the kind comment on my blog :) Your adventures sound hilarious, I can't wait to read more!

Housewife Savant said...

I would SO have your back in that anti-dogfight.
I hate my OWN dog.

I'd love a day of tormenting your deaf weiner.

(I kill m'self with my super-funniness.)

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

@unknown was so gross and it was so much. Dried up little tootsie rolls of poo.

@mary...Thanks so much for the award~! I love your vlogs!

@pearl...I am so not a prankster but for some reason seeing him jump is a crack up. It is a battle of wits between us...and I'm not real sure who is winning.

@phoenix...I am so stealing that phrase--fur parents~! HAHAHA. You don't know the half of it when it comes to their dogs. My kids did not get treated as well as some of their pooches.

@housewife savant...Thanks for covering me. Being a dog tolerater is kind of like discussing politics or religion with some people. Sheesh. Tormenting the weiner is definitely fun. I only hope Teddy Bear doesn't film it one day and put me on YouTube. I'm sure PETA has me on their enemy list.

Lola said...

I'm a dog lover who has little tolerance for bad dog behavior! I'm a house lover, too, so crapping or peeing in my house is simply unacceptable ;)

chris said...

have you ever heard of DOGTRAINING. someone you spiral your ass

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