Saturday, August 22, 2009

Why I Will Never Be Allowed to be an Eyewitness

Scene: Teddy Bear and I have just come back from seeing a movie, 9:30 at night. I'm up in my room getting ready for bed.

TB: Mom, mom, there's truck parked on the side of the house with its lights off.

I peek out the window that looks down over the street practicing my mad spy skills. Yep, small pick-up, lights off, guys talking in the middle of the street. This is a small side street that dead ends a few hundred yards away at an entrance to the snooty neighborhood behind me (with most of the homes empty because of foreclosure) and to a small park where teenagers hang out and do stupid teenage stuff. The guys are talking fairly excitedly about something when one guy gets out of the truck with a baseball bat. *gulp* I had just been about to go to the balcony off my room that also looks right down on them. Across the street is an elementary school. The parking lot is right there with a long sloping driveway. Baseball Bat guy is walking slowly toward one of the driveway entrances to the school. What is he doing? His buddy is slowly following him, lights still off.

Mom: Teddy Bear, go get me the house phone. I'm going to call the police.

TB: Your cell phone is right there, use that.

Mom: But they won't know where I'm calling from when I use my cell phone. Go get the phone!

TB: That is the dumbest thing, just call.

Mom: Damn it....go get the phone.

TB stomps off to get the phone. Meanwhile, I am now out on my balcony spying on what is going on. I have the best seats in the house. Baseball Bat guy is still walking slowly, bat in hand, toward the school. Truck pulls slowly into the long driveway and stops. Bat Guy has his cell phone out now and obviously is taking pictures with it. WTF? He is crouching and cautiously moving toward a planter that edges the driveway. He has his bat held at the ready and goes into the low bushes and flowers and starts taking pictures. His buddy is all excited in the car. Whatever it is, Bat Guy is close and clicking away. Bat Guy backs up suddenly and a big dog comes out of the bushes. I mean a tall dog, kind of mangy. A dog? They are all excited about a dog? Big Dog ambles off down the sidewalk toward the school like he does this everyday. Not a care in the world. Bat Guy and pick-up are slowly following him as he heads toward the front of the school. Big Dog disappears into the school and now I hear both guys yelling and throwing rocks and basically carrying on like a bunch of lunatics. I call 911.

911: What is your emergency? (or whatever it is they say).

Me: I need the police! Some guys are at the school across the street yelling and with baseball bats and throwing rocks or something!

911: Are they fighting?

Me: Huh?

What does she mean are they fighting? Sheesh. What a dope. I forget that even though I can see perfectly what is going on, poor 911 has no clue what I am looking at.

Me: No, no, sorry! They were together in the truck and now they are both in the school. They were parked on the side of my house with their lights off and now they are in the school.

While I speak another truck pulls up, an SUV type vehicle.

Me: Oh my god, another truck just pulled up and they are parking in front of the school!

911: What kind of vehicle is it and what color is it?

Me: Type? Color? Uh...uh. Well, ummm, the lights at the school are those orange hideous lights that change all the colors, so ummm I'm not sure what color they are. Maybe gold for the SUV and faded red for the little pick up truck.

By this point 911 is convinced that I'm a moron and I can't say they are far off the mark. Teddy Bear is looking at me like she is now convinced I'm the last person she would want around in a real emergency.

911 says they will send someone over to check it out.

The second truck was actually just a mom which I forgot to tell 911. She gets out of the truck and marches the determined mom walk to the front of the school like she is looking for something. I can hear them talking to each other now, the pick-up guys and the truck mom like they know each other. Okay. What is going on?

The Big Dog is now walking ever so slowly up the driveway back toward the street like he has had enough fun. It is such a strange walk. He has long legs and he has a lope to his walk, not much of a tail. His whole attitude is, go ahead, make my day, mess with me. The people are all agitated but Big Dog acts like he does not have a care in the world. Baseball Bat guy is throwing rocks at the dog now!! This is getting ridiculous. Dog does not seem to care and walks off down the street toward the park it seems. The guys drive off.

Great. Cops will show up and no one will be here and I will really look like a dork.

Sure enough. Pick up is now gone and 2 cop cars pull up. Two? With their lights off? They slowly glide down the street and into the school. The mom is still there and they block her so she cannot get out.

Because the school is built on a slight slope below me their voices carry right up to me. I hear them talking and then I hear the words mountain lion or maybe she says bobcat.

Oh shit. Where is my fat weiner dog? My big gray tabby cat? As if on cue, I hear my cat start carrying on just below me. Teddy Bear races down to lock the dog up but good luck catching the cat.

But everyone eventually pulls away because whatever it is gone. Teddy Bear and I stay on the balcony looking for the damn cat. My house sits on the corner and there is an easement right behind my house that slopes down to the snooty neighborhood, perfect for burglars and wild animals.

A cop car slowly comes down the street again and this time pick-up guy meets up with him and they start talking. And there it is. Mr Mountain Lion or Bobcat just walking down the sidewalk. Strolling. Out for an after dinner constitutional. Now both cop cars quickly pull up with their bright lights shining on it. They actually try to box it in with their cars. One races down the street and then turns around and shines its lights on the cat and the other cop car does the same from the other direction. What they forget is that the damn cat just has to cut across the street from the side not blocked off...which it does.

Right behind my house.

There is now a mountain lion running around behind my house? What is it with mountain lions and this family? Isn't it bad enough they tried to eat my ex-husband and other daughter (but that is another story)?

The cops are all excited now but what are they going to do? Hunt it down and shoot it? No, no, they drive off and leave us.

I am glad to say that the old mountain lion made its way to the fields near my house and was seen the next day and for a few days causing excitement but managing never to get caught.

And he didn't eat my fat weiner dog.


Eva Gallant said...

Quite an advanture!

Karen Carter said...

Wow...all that adrenaline for a darn bob cat? Dont worry keep being Mrs Kravitz and our day will come! xoxo Karen~

Aunt Juicebox said...

At least you called the cops instead of standing there throwing rocks at it.

Amy said...

Being observant is not one of my strong points. This is the question I love best when posed by the police: "What was the make and model of the car?" Uh...what? It was white and four wheels.

At least we'll never have to enter the witness protection program, right?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Wow, that tops the story of the one crouched in my side yard that dashed off into the woods one night when my wife came home.

Except, out there, the DNR actually will acknowledge that mountain lions are real.

Glad the fat weiner dog didn't make a fat weiner dog snack.

@eloh said...

I have to agree with Aunt Juicebox. What in the world was the purpose of throwing rocks at it?
Good story, I was right there peeking out the window, callin' the cops with ya.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

@eva gallant...Yes, it was kind of exciting watching them try to pin the mountain lion or bobcat in. They weren't very good at it but it was fun to watch when I wasn't freaking out about it eating my cat and dog. Thanks for stopping by~!

@karen...Yes, I guess I was practicing my Mrs. Kravitz impersonation. I hope my voice is not as nasal and whiny as hers!

@aunt juicebox...When they started throwing rocks at what I thought was a dog I couldn't believe it. What were they thinking? Of course, looking back I realize just how stupid they were...the one guy got within a few feet of it. Sheesh.

@amy...I can be so oblvious to stuff like that. Bad guys probably have nothing to fear from me. But keep in mind bad guys I do keep a loaded gun under my bed...just wish I remembered the code to get it out of the lock box.

@mjenks...My poor fat weiner dog. He probably could have killed that mountain lion--he's so fat he's a choking hazard.

@eloh...I'm not sure what the morons thought they would accomplish by throwing rocks at it except ticking it off. Thanks for the compliment~!

Jeanne said...

Kat. You are too funny. Loved your story!

Bill Stankus said...

Your story brought to mind the movie, "Blow-up". Sorta.

KC said...

Wow! I once had an "escaped from the rodeo" bull living in my back yard for a week. I'm glad your pets were not dinner.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

@jeanne...Thanks pal~!

@bill...Love your blog so far; can't wait to have some time to dig in and read. Now, of course, though I have to look up the movie Blow-up. Is that the one about the photographer?

@kc...An escaped bull in your backyard...for a week? Holy cow! HAHAHA. Poor fat old Bo was only upset he got trapped in the garage for a while. He is so ornery he still thinks of my carpeting as a toilet, so he is doggie non grata most of the time.