Friday, January 22, 2010

Puke and Possum



Why?

I mean really, why?

Minding my own business typing away in my home office trying not to be distracted by YouTube and keep working and then this happens. Teddy Bear came running into my office to tell me a dead possum was on our front porch. I actually laughed. 


"Ha, ha, sure. It's probably playing possum."


I thought I was so funny and witty. I mean, my Christmas tree is still on my front porch because I missed trash day this week. You would think I have a car on blocks on my front lawn and blackened out teeth and drive a pick up truck with a gun rack or something. But I live in a nice suburban neighborhood in Temecula. With a homeowner's association who frown on brown lawns and send snitty messags to you if such a calamity occurs. 


But there I am. Dead Christmas tree. Dead possum. It is blowing rain, cold and windy here. It has rained for days and the temperatures are down in the 30s at night. 



Teddy Bear's friend, Mr. Guitar Player, even poked it with a stick. Yep, rigor mortis. Even the tail was stiff. A possum popsicle. The only thing moving on it was one ear that kept gently flapping in the wind which made Teddy and I jump. I am tempted to leave him there and hopefully a coyote will decide to come along and help himself. I can get a sign pointing to it and everything. Like Wile E. Coyote and the roadrunner. Anybody know the number for Acme? 


The last time I saw a possum was in my mother's backyard. The whole family was over with all the dogs. Big ol' Tank, fat bo, clueless Cabo (who is huge!). They are going insane barking at something. There it is. A possum. On the lawn. Just lying there. The dogs jump at it, then jump back like they got electrocuted. They look positively stupid. Like they have some sort of doggie neurologic disorder. They are trying to channel their ancestral wolf genes but they end up looking like city slickers on a dude ranch. The possum continues to lie there. We finally round up the dogs and bring them inside and, lo and behold, the possum is gone the next time we look. 


So now I have to run to the hardware store and get a shovel to shovel him into a box. I will have to do this at night because I am quite sure I will be gagging and trying not to puke while I do this. 


For heaven's sake. I just got myself all out of my funk. You all are such good therapy. I even watched Pollyanna. 


Anybody want to play the Glad Game? 


We can be glad I have a dead possum on my porch because...because...I got it!! It will keep the holy rollers from knocking on my door and making me read the Watch Tower! (I know, I know. I'm going straight to hell. Is there a Heathen's Anonymous?) 


Maybe I should turn it into a door stop or something with a note pinned to it: No Solicitors Allowed. Do you think it would work?


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29 comments:

Autumnforest said...

Oh, you made my day! I actually did my own woodburning sign for my front door "No solicitation especially religious." The Jehovah's have been coming daily and disregarding the sign. Perhaps a water-logged possum is the way to go, but here in Phoenix it would have to be a javalina. On another note, does it remind you of this "chupacabra" found on a Texas golf course--it reminded me of it. http://www.kens5.com/news/Chupacabra-like-82001007.html

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

A chupacabra...with a no solicitors allowed sign on it! Now, I wonder what they would make of that. I have such a hard time being rude and I listen politely to them. Especially when those charming Mormon boys come knocking...they are so polite and always offer to help with something around the house. But I really, really don't want to have my soul saved by someone who bangs at my door! Like I said...I'm going straight to hell, or at the very least, purgatory.

Now I have to go and click the link you left!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Oh my lord~! Autumnforest, that link was hilarious. The grounds keeper got his panties in a bunch because his wife would not let him keep the creature in their freezer! HAHAHA. Yes, now that made my day!

Lola Lakely said...

Happy Hour! I've missed you. It's funny that this is the post I check back on because I had a crazy dead possum experience a year ago. It involved a lenghty conversation with animal control, in which i was admonished for thinking that it was a possum and not an oppossum. Apparently oppossum's are the north american breed and possums only exist in australia. Why the animal control lady felt the need to point this out to me, I'll never know.

funderson said...

ew...possums are gross with their pointy, white teeth...it would definitly keep me off your porch and I come from a long line of Mormons

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Lola Lakely...I guess I will have to just throw this possum onto the "barbie" to be accurate...and I guess change hemispheres. I totally forgot there are oppossums. Animal control people and I tend to clash, so I avoid them when I can. They get their panties in such a bunch when you don't license your animals. Sheesh.

I am glad to see you back and blogging! Reading your blog is always an adventure...you don't quite know where it is taking you but the journey is always fascinating.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Funderson...They do have long pointy white teeth and their claws are gross and their pointy little noses...yuck! But I would not want to keep you off my porch, so I guess I won't do that. I have too many Mormon friends! I just picture their sons on their missions and before you know it an hour has passed! And they like to flirt with my daughter which I think is funny. She is at the cynical there is no god phase of life and they go back and forth.

Karen Carter said...

That is HIDEOUS! i hate those darn ugly things so much. Only you would have one on your porch. Maybe he was finding shelter in your tree? Love the idea of no soliciting. Your life could be a very funny book! Love you K
ps thanks for the spell check. Maybe I was thinking of hostile people? Yikes I will be needing more happy hours myself

adrienzgirl said...

I need to sign up for Heathens Anonymous!

Chantel said...

LMAO! I'm so thinking you should fork over the dough and get the thing stuffed...just pitch it out the door when you see someone in the drive. (do you think it would work on mother-in-laws?)

The picture was priceless--stick and all!

Aunt Juicebox said...

Hey, can I borrow that thing? I want to sling it up on my upstairs neighbors balcony.

MJ said...

I wonder how in tarnation he ended up on your porch. That's so unexpected. We've had skunks wander around our front yard, but no end-of-life incidents. Is it a good omen? Bad? Weird stuff.

Elliott said...

That's excellent. Dead possum certainly trumps my dead frogs. Nobody's frightened of dead frogs.

Sandi said...

I love your initial comment about a dead possum. We saw one in the road several months ago. Ed said, "Look, a dead possum." I said something terribly clever about how you really can't tell. He didn't get it. Another joke down the drain. Sigh....

Tgoette said...

Great post! We get possum in our yard from time to time. The dogs can tell when one is nearby because they both bolt out the door barking and carrying on. But only in the middle of the night.

As for the bible-thumpers, dead animals are too subtle a gesture. Just give them the hose if they come by. They will get the message.

Paul Champagne said...

Won't work ... I've even tried an upside-down cross and pentagram on my door.

The bible-thumpers keep coming.

matron said...

The only corpse's we get are small birds that fly into the window,which always upsets me as they are so beautiful.I have never seen a possum,only in books and films,so know nothing about them,but from your description I am glad we do not have them here.It is funny how we have a phobia about disposing of dead animals,I can't do it,my hubby has to,yet as a nurse,I often had to deal with dead humans and it did not bother me at all.

Madame DeFarge said...

Love it. Makes a change from finding junk mail on your doorstep. Can't eat junk mail.

Millennium Housewife said...

Come and live with me my love, you'd fit right in. We specialise in brown lawns, weeds and empty packets flying across the lawn. You can even bring the new doorstop, excellent easter present for the neighbours.
Over to say a massive thankyou for following my blog, it really made my day to see you up there - cheers! x

Phoenix said...

LOL I can't help but laugh at this...why, oh why, of all places, did this possum decide to crawl up on your porch and die??

How RUDE! :)

Red Writer said...

I say keep it and rent it out. How did you get so lucky that it croaked on your porch?

Red Writer said...

Hey, I know I've said it before, but eventually everyone comes to your house!

Nezzy said...

I have to admit I've carted off many a dead possum with a shovel and a big bucket. Even grosses out this farm chick who's suppose to be used to such critters.

Ya'll have a marvelous day!!!

TC said...

Even with all my dead pig stories I have NEVER had a dead possum on my doorstep. Dead Raccoon yes, bloody and some very proud dogs but no possum.
Did you make someone with access to a dead possum maybe angry or did they want to see if you would blog about it? Just saying....;-)

Maggie May said...

Ahhhhh! I feel a bit sorry for that little possum. it looked like a cute little animal that we don't get here. I wonder what it died of?
They are better than rats, don't you think?

Thanks for coming over to mine. I will have a little browse round on your lovely blog now I am here!

Nuts in May

@eloh said...

I'm glad this post is still here. I showed it to my daughter ther other day and we laughed, well, I did anyway.

A couple years ago, she opened the front door to take our big dogs for a potty... there was similar excitement... I told her not to worry, when she opened the door again it would be gone...as usual, I was told I was just a crazy old lady.

She was, of course, amazed that the dead beast had disappeared into the night.

It made me wonder what else I hadn't told her about.

Jen said...

I'd leave it there at least until you get rid of the tree. We don't have possum here but the cat leaves dead squirrels and rabbits all over the back yard. Not the same thing as something crawling onto your porch and deciding to die but close. I've only seen one possum up close and it was a mean looking animal all hissing and spitting. I'd poke it a few more times with a stick to make sure it really is dead.

ethelmaepotter! said...

Oh, I gotta get me one of these! Only, how am I gonna let the UPS guy know that I still need my packages?

Freddy said...

I just had a possum come and die on my front porch! I think its a good sign for 10 years of good luck!