Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Queen of the Ugly Bug Ball

Thump. Thump. BANG. #@$&%! Running feet. Girlie screaming. 

Do they not know it is Saturday and it's Labor Day weekend? I swing my legs out of bed and stand up. Yikes. Playing on the computer all morning in bed is hard on the ol' knee joints. Take my trusty laptop and cell phone and head downstairs to find out how bad it is downstairs.I am trying to decide if blood had better be involved with all the mayhem going on downstairs.

And there are Teddy Bear and Killdozer with my family room sorta torn apart, papertowels and bug spray out. Bug spray. I freakin' don't get it. If I was an ant and saw a line of dead ants, I think I would turn tail or antenna and beat all of my little ant legs to get the hell out. I leave all the little ant carcasses out like small crazed Vlad the Impaler warnings.

Despair all ye who enter here....

I guess ants are illiterate and not too bright though.

Sure enough. A giant ant trail is in my family room. Maybe they have decided that I am their Ant Queen and they are turning my home into a royal ant hive. I expect one day to wake up with about a billion ants carrying me off for my coronation. I knew all the extra poundage would come in handy one day. Give those frickin' ants little ant hernias. 

Or perhaps taking me to a nearby volcano to make a sacrifice to stop all the massacring going on. 

They are crawling along the wall about 3 feet off the ground because they know I have sprayed the baseboards and certain chemical death awaits them there. (Ummm, probably should change the video to My Chemical Romance and the Black Parade.)  This trail is at least 20 feet long and it is freaking Teddy Bear out. I start to vacuum them up and at this point Teddy Bear informs me that the ants are in my purse.

My purse! Those sons of bitches are in my purse!! Oh shit. I hope I remembered to take the chocolate out. Chocolate covered ants just does not sound appealing. Teddy says they were all over my doggie bag left overs from the Yard House from the night before. Oh, okay. They can have chicken strips if they want.

But I had to vacuum my purse. Do you hear me? I had to vacuum my purse. They were all over my wallet probably plotting some Insect Identity Theft ring. Selling my debit card to the Black Widow Mafia. I had to empty my purse out. It is amazing how many receipts I had in there. One day I will have to balance my check book...perhaps even fill in the check register.

If you see me around town and I am twitching and smacking myself...don't rush for a strait jacket, I'm just on my way to the Ugly Bug Ball.  They made me the honorary dance floor.


@eloh said...

OMG I haven't heard this song in like what 50 years? I loved this song.

I always lose in the ant wars. Disturbing to be outwitted by ants.

I don't even want to tell you about the palmetto's this year...it's like a three inch flying cockroach...they get in during this time of year. I used to not go to bed until I had tracked it down and killed it every time...I'm getting too old...I think the word went out...about three a year, this year I've lost count and they have escaped my death hunts.

Hit 40 said...

Once you get ants...

it is hard to chase them away. I have had luck with round red ant traps that give them poison to take back to the nest for the queen. You just have to be patient and ignore the ants while the poison does the trick.

MJ said...

Vacuum your purse?! That's when you know you have a problemo. Scientists need to discover more ways to murder ants, I think.