Sunday, October 18, 2009

Suzy the Squirrel Killer



Do you name your cars? 

I wished I had named my first car...a 1965 Ford Mustang. It was only a 6 cylinder. When you stepped on the gas, it might or might move and forget quick darting turns in traffic. I NEVER drove in Hollywood. They are already nuts there and would turn into breaks in traffic that Evil Knievel might think twice about. But I loved my car. Except when I didn't. I just remembered how many times after working late at Busch Gardens in the Valley, I would drudge out to my car smelling like hamburgers or cotton candy and then try to start it. I would pump and pump and pump.....and pump. My right calf muscle should have been twice the size of my left like some freak work-out accident.

But the car that I remember fondly was Suzy, our 1984 Honda Accord. We drove that car for almost 20 years. I loved Suzy. I learned to drive a 5 speed because of her. Thank God I learned in Lubbock, Texas, nice and flat. Nothing but short stubby cotton plants for miles. No hills to practice burning out the clutch on. 

We moved from Texas to California and bought our first house, kind of at the outskirts of a growing city. It was the last housing bubble. Ah, me, such memories. Too bad Wall Street and the bankers have such poor memories. 


There were empty fields all around our little group of a few hundred homes. Big, big empty fields. Filled with the stupidest squirrels. Right up there with the dumb bunnies. They were definitely not smart like the gopher from Caddyshack. One of my friend's mom thought that gopher was real by the way. She wanted to know how they trained it to do all that acting. Maybe we should have told her they offered the gopher exclusive rights to sell his story to the Enquirer.


Leaving the neighborhood was like playing whack a mole at the carnival....will you smack a squirrel or not? The first time I smooshed a squirrel I felt soooooo bad. The damn squirrel ran right out in front of me literally at the last minute. Do you know how hard it is to stop yourself from swerving and slamming on the brakes? 

After about the fifth squirrel, I gave up. I figured this was Darwinism in action. Okay, you flea-bitten, dog-food-stealing, chirping noise maker, let's make a game out of it. It got to the point where you could see the little morons lining up on the side of the road. I would literally almost be crawling down the street ready to slam on the brakes, but no, they would wait and wait and wait and just when you thought you had made it past them....they would scamper at top speed into the street.

Bump. Bump. 

I wanted a sticker to put on the side of my car like a bad ass World War II flying ace going after the Nazis. A squashed nut? A squirrel tail? Start my own cargo cult with the cool painting I wanted to put on my little Honda.

I have a silver Honda Odyssey now. Still looking for a name for it though. No animal life mayhem with this one. Any ideas? Just keep in mind, though, in my imagination I drive a Bugatti Veyron. Vroom. Vroom.  


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14 comments:

Sally-Sal said...

I always name my cars. Lucille was the best car name eva ;)

Sandi said...

I'm always amazed that some people DON'T name their cars! My current red Saturn Vue is Lola. Her predecessor (another Saturn) was Gloria. Before that my AstroVan named Thad. I mean, cars are people, too, and deserve names.

As for squirrels, I hate 'em. I actually did a blog just this morning about my brother and his squirrel adventures. He would love to hire you and your car for the weekend!

adrienzgirl said...

I have a brand new Blue Jeep Liberty and her name is Bella Luna. I always name my girls. Silver Bullet comes to mind, but that's not really a name, more of a call sign for a pilot! :)

Thanks for stopping by to see me!

MaryRC said...

75 Cutlass Oldsmobile..Olga! stupid vermin. cats in my neighborhood. wild cats everywhere, and the same deal. on the drive to tucson from phoenix, coyotes kill people all the time, i finally decided after almost wrecking horribly i choose me not them. i hit only one after that and just his hind quarters, he ran off, but oh well...

MaryRC said...

BTW tiger is a very very funny hard ass in person.. great commercial!

Funny in my mind said...

Silver bullet?
Squirrels are cute but this time of year they are insane, running around looking for food.

ethelmaepotter! said...

Talk about coincidence! I was just this morning thinking how odd that I've never given my car a name; every time she turns over another thousand miles, I congratulate her and say, "Good Girl!" but I've never named her. Someone (maybe you?) suggested a couple of weeks ago that I give my Garmin a cool name and, get this, I decided on...LOLA! So now for my car...
Your car? Helga is the first thing that popped into my head!

Ellie said...

Never. I mean, my hairdryer doesn't have a name... my car needs one?

Jeanne said...

I've never named my cars but I admit to crying over two cars when I turned them in upon purchase of a new vehicle. Both had strong emotional attachments for me.

And in terms of the stupid squirrels, believe me, I get it. We have quail here, and they do not hesitate to dart into traffic WITH THEIR BABIES! ZOOOOM across the busiest street we have here (comparable to Murrieta Hot Springs) and taking their babies with them! Even during those times they still go in a line. We also have a flock of Canadian Geese who think they're entitled to go anywhere, even if it's the same busy street. Harder to think about hitting one of those suckers. They're huge!

Elliott said...

My first car, 84 Impala, was Baby. No other cars have had names, they haven't proven themselves worthy. However, the bike is Ruby. No question about that one, ever.

Elliott said...

And before my PC died, I was going to suggest Penny for the van, since Odysseus' wife was Penelope.

L said...

The only car I have named thus far is my husband's Jetta. It is awful. You have to actually roll the windows up and down like in the old days. The drivers seat won't adjust anymore, and no matter how much you clean the inside, it still smells. We call it The Crap Mobile.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I've never named a car, I was lucky to come up with a name for my kid. We do however sometimes call my husband's truck Big Blue, which is very uncreative.

kys said...

I have never named a car or any body parts.